Have you ever just felt discouraged about almost everything? I am. I feel like everything i want to hold on to seems to slip away and i end up alone, everytime. Maybe you might think im exaggerating and im not saying this to have pity or you to think that my life sucks, it doesnt. but here are some examples. ... have you just felt overwhelmed and annoyed about things that you seem to not change? like for me its weight... Yes i think im fat...not like all the other girls that actually skinny and just say that for attention. ... I "know" i am fat because i can see, feel it and can hold it. Ive been trying to lose weight since March hard core and i lost 13 pounds...felt GREAT but then i seemed to forget to work out and eat well and all the sudden i gained 10 pounds... ya so im back at the beginning... Ive been trying for a while now again, eating well, excersising even harder, doing workouts that will give me nice muscles and i cant seem to lose any. It is frustrating, tiring and depressing. I am trying so hard to look good for myself and feel good and nothing gets off. now not only that but my father seems to think i am getting fat and already there. great! that doesnt help having someone telling you you are fat. so now i am even more conscious about it. another thing is that my good friend left on his misson. hes been gone since August as you have read all the other blogs. I felt that it was ok liking him and that possibly in the future there would be a chance for him and i... now i dont even know how i feel AT ALL. Im so confused, tired, sad, happy, proud for him, hopeful and more confused. You see i send him a package for Christmas and guess what...he send me one too. At first I was soooo excited and happy and surprised. thats the last thing i expected him to do. i thought i would get a letter like a month later but i got a package the week after Christmas. Its great, one of the things he send me is a CD of songs he used to sing to me all the time before he left so he recored them ( hiim playing and singing). It felt great hearing him sing again, his little voice trying to hard to over power haha good memories. but right now im not so sure i like hearing his voice. he left. I dont know how i feel anymore. its not a no at all but i dont know if its a yes and im confused because im trying to remember what i felt and i cant seem to... i hate that. its like i miss him so much that im rejecting him and pushing him out of my head... i hate that im doing that but i am so confused. i wish i could just talk face to face to Heavenly Father and just ask him bluntly what is going to happen to me ? and then just record that and always remember...but i guess that isnt faith and a little self centered. another thing i seem to be frustrated about is where my life is going. I have many dreams but so little money. i want to get my education and travel travel travel. i also want a family and a house and a car but i dont know how. yes i do know how but i dont know where but at that same time yes i do. i guess i just need to trust it hey. sorry if this blog doesnt make any sense. now the last thing is friends. i feel as though all my friends are so distant. i thought i had many friends and close ones but then i think and i dont really know. i am yet again left alone, in the dark. i guess im ok being independent but who doesnt like a little company. now i dont know if im doing something wrong but i seem to not be able to hold on to my friends. they all end up getting married, going on missions, goign to school and yet here i am still at home... no boyfriend... going to school close to home. i know there is nothing wrong with that and i will have my turn but its weird i think. anyway this blog is making no sense whatsoevre but it felt good to write and just throw out  my emotions. goodnight