Hello to whoever is reading this. Well, it has been probably a year or two since I last wrote here. To be honest with you I forgot about my blog and lost my info. But here I am tonight writing. I have so much to write but I don't know where to start... Have you ever had a feeling of so many feelings and you want to talk to someone about it but there is noone there anymore. That person you used to talk to about everything is gone. Sure, there are other people out there...but not the same relationship/friendship that you had with "this one". Well that's where I am. I long to find someone again, one day, that I can freely be myself again. Let's take this a year and a half back...way back. On Mother's day I met an incredible man. Oh you should have seen what he was wearing. He had the perfect haircut and style. Cut on the sides and slightly longer on the top, a little curly and combed on the side, with one shaved line for style. He then had a perfect little mama's boys bow-tie, brown and blue checkered. Little suit to fit his body. Dark skin. Chocolate eyes. Perfect button nose. Perfect long forehead. Will Smith ears. And finally a breath taking smile, slightly buck teeth. I fell for him. I knew right then and now that I wanted to know him. We talked afterwards and he invited me to come to FHE the next day. I stood him up. We met again the next Sunday and this time we connected even more. We went to a party afterwards, no planning whatsoever, and we fell in love with each other...so I thought. We saw each other every day after that day for a whole month. Going on road trips, walks, dates, movies, reading and most importantly...Talking. We were inseparable. We then decided to date. Oh how our first kiss was perfect... My family loved him instantly...He fell in love with them. and then I met his family...I fell in love with them. We talked about everything. I told him things I NEVER tell anyone else and I have yet to tell anyone. He knows everything about me and I knew everything about him...so I thought. Life was amazing. Days were shorter and nights were longer. Everyday we looked forward to seeing each other. Sharing stories and what we learned. Expressing love and pain, expressing our souls to one another...trusting the other to hold on to our secrets and our love. but something happened somewhere in there. Bloggers, I am not sure where it happened nor why it did...but something changed. My fairy tail was falling apart. My so called fairy-tail was not real. I thought that I was going to marry this incredible man. I thought he thought the same. He said he wanted to, but did he mean that... no, the answer is that he never did...but you might say "well he must have felt it at one point" or "he got scared"....what ever you might think...just don't. Yes he loved me, but he never was in love with me as much as I was. And let me prove my point. He never took me on dates once we started dating. He never bought me flowers....not even for special occasions. He stopped giving me the love I loved once we started dating. He didn't show me appreciation once we started dating. He didn't encourage me, but he criticized me. He rarely told me I was beautiful, but he always found something I could improve. That, ladies and gentlemen is not a bad man, but that is a man who is not commuted to someone that way. I'm not saying what he did was horrible and I'm certainly not encouraging this behavior...but I proved my point. When we were JUST best friends, he was my BEST support. He encouraged me, he made me feel beautiful, stress-free, and loved. I felt like a Queen...but once we started dating, he knew it didn't fit. No matter his words, his actions always spoke louder. I long for that friendship. I long for my love. I desire such an old fashion love. I long for my man to make himself known unto me. Now "what is my man"? Let me tell you what and not who my man is...
1. I want a man that I can be freely myself. A man I am not afraid to show who I am and not hold back, A man who will challenge me in a positive way.
2.I want a man who will sing to me, whether he is amazing at it or completely tone deaf. A man who will play music that means something to him and me. Hidden messages in music just for us.
3. I want a man who will dance with me even when it makes no sense. A man who is not afraid to dance .
4. I want a man with a sense of humor. A man who will want to make me laugh and will laugh at my horrible jokes/sense of humor.
5. I want a man who has a strong relationship with God and who is not afraid or ashamed to show it. A man who will talk about the gospel with me. Open conversations, both asking opinions and questions.
6. I want a man who has passion to do good in the world.
7. I want a man who cooks and cleans. I don't mean all the time, but someone who will help me and appreciate my efforts.
8. I want a man who is patient because I am simple but I am not like other girls.
9. I want a man who is not afraid of new things and wants to live an adventurous life. I need a companion for life who will run with me...not lead, nor follow...but be with me.
10. I want a man who will fight for me and not against me.
When I lost my best friend through all of this... I feel like I lost a part of me. I don't know if I will ever have that friend again...and that breaks my heart. I long to have that back in life....but i don't know how long it will be until I am ready again to love this way, fully, once more.... to fully trust the other with my heart. telling every inch of my soul. right now, it hurts too much and there is noone physically I can talk to who I feel are really truly listening. All I need is someone who will listen to me again....someone who will want to be with me, even after knowing everything about me and not run like the rest have done... believe it or not, it is damaging...not matter how many times they can say "never change", "someone out there will love all of you", "don't give up", "you're perfect", "you are amazing"...but do they really mean it?? because if they did, they wouldn't run.
My brothers and sisters out there. I know this blog has been depressing, but I had to put it down in words. I might write more with more intricate details when I am ready.... but I know he is out there... I just hope he is strong enough for me. If God loves me, and I know He does...then there is bound to be a match for me.
Match maker, Match maker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch....make me a match of my own.
One day when the time is right and the man is here, I will love again... but for now I will love all of God's children equally.
God Bless
