noone to talk to

Hello to whoever is reading this. Well, it has been probably a year or two since I last wrote here. To be honest with you I forgot about my blog and lost my info. But here I am tonight writing. I have so much to write but I don't know where to start... Have you ever had a feeling of so many feelings and you want to talk to someone about it but there is noone there anymore. That person you used to talk to about everything is gone. Sure, there are other people out there...but not the same relationship/friendship that you had with "this one". Well that's where I am. I long to find someone again, one day, that I can freely be myself again. Let's take this a year and a half back...way back. On Mother's day I met an incredible man. Oh you should have seen what he was wearing. He had the perfect haircut and style. Cut on the sides and slightly longer on the top, a little curly and combed on the side, with one shaved line for style. He then had a perfect little mama's boys bow-tie, brown and blue checkered. Little suit to fit his body. Dark skin. Chocolate eyes. Perfect button nose. Perfect long forehead. Will Smith ears. And finally a breath taking smile, slightly buck teeth. I fell for him. I knew right then and now that I wanted to know him. We talked afterwards and he invited me to come to FHE the next day. I stood him up. We met again the next Sunday and this time we connected even more. We went to a party afterwards, no planning whatsoever, and we fell in love with each other...so I thought. We saw each other every day after that day for a whole month. Going on road trips, walks, dates, movies, reading and most importantly...Talking. We were inseparable. We then decided to date. Oh how our first kiss was perfect... My family loved him instantly...He fell in love with them. and then I met his family...I fell in love with them. We talked about everything. I told him things I NEVER tell anyone else and I have yet to tell anyone. He knows everything about me and I knew everything about him...so I thought. Life was amazing. Days were shorter and nights were longer. Everyday we looked forward to seeing each other. Sharing stories and what we learned. Expressing love and pain, expressing our souls to one another...trusting the other to hold on to our secrets and our love. but something happened somewhere in there. Bloggers, I am not sure where it happened nor why it did...but something changed. My fairy tail was falling apart. My so called fairy-tail was not real. I thought that I was going to marry this incredible man. I thought he thought the same. He said he wanted to, but did he mean that... no, the answer is that he never did...but you might say "well he must have felt it at one point" or "he got scared"....what ever you might think...just don't. Yes he loved me, but he never was in love with me as much as I was. And let me prove my point. He never took me on dates once we started dating. He never bought me flowers....not even for special occasions. He stopped giving me the love I loved once we started dating. He didn't show me appreciation once we started dating. He didn't encourage me, but he criticized me. He rarely told me I was beautiful, but he always found something I could improve. That, ladies and gentlemen is not a bad man, but that is a man who is not commuted to someone that way. I'm not saying what he did was horrible and I'm certainly not encouraging this behavior...but I proved my point. When we were JUST best friends, he was my BEST support. He encouraged me, he made me feel beautiful, stress-free, and loved. I felt like a Queen...but once we started dating, he knew it didn't fit. No matter his words, his actions always spoke louder. I long for that friendship. I long for my love. I desire such an old fashion love. I long for my man to make himself known unto me. Now "what is my man"? Let me tell you what and not who my man is...
1. I want a man that I can be freely myself. A man I am not afraid to show who I am and not hold back, A man who will challenge me in a positive way.
2.I want a man who will sing to me, whether he is amazing at it or completely tone deaf. A man who will play music that means something to him and me. Hidden messages in music just for us.
3. I want a man who will dance with me even when it makes no sense. A man who is not afraid to dance .
4. I want a man with a sense of humor. A man who will want to make me laugh and will laugh at my horrible jokes/sense of humor.
5. I want a man who has a strong relationship with God and who is not afraid or ashamed to show it. A man who will talk about the gospel with me. Open conversations, both asking opinions and questions.
6. I want a man who has passion to do good in the world.
7. I want a man who cooks and cleans. I don't mean all the time, but someone who will help me and appreciate my efforts.
8. I want a man who is patient because I am simple but I am not like other girls.
9. I want a man who is not afraid of new things and wants to live an adventurous life. I need a companion for life who will run with me...not lead, nor follow...but be with me.
10. I want a man who will fight for me and not against me. 

When I lost my best friend through all of this... I feel like I lost a part of me. I don't know if I will ever have that friend again...and that breaks my heart. I long to have that back in life....but i don't know how long it will be until I am ready again to love this way, fully, once more.... to fully trust the other with my heart. telling every inch of my soul. right now, it hurts too much and there is noone physically I can talk to who I feel are really truly listening. All I need is someone who will listen to me again....someone who will want to be with me, even after knowing everything about me and not run like the rest have done... believe it or not, it is damaging...not matter how many times they can say "never change", "someone out there will love all of you", "don't give up", "you're perfect", "you are amazing"...but do they really mean it?? because if they did, they wouldn't run.

My brothers and sisters out there. I know this blog has been depressing, but I had to put it down in words. I might write more with more intricate details when I am ready.... but I know he is out there... I just hope he is strong enough for me. If God loves me, and I know He does...then there is bound to be a match for me.
Match maker, Match maker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch....make me a match of my own.

One day when the time is right and the man is here, I will love again... but for now I will love all of God's children equally.

God Bless

so happy

ok guys haha i am so happy right now and I am not too sure why! someone is watching over me...Ive just had the most boring day of my life but for some reason i am feeling so much love right now!! haha wow i am happy happy. I feel great! its like im in love or something but really im not even thinking of any guys ha!! ive been watching movies alllll dayyyy no joke. No makeup. didnt do my hair. i only showered. I looked at myself in the mirror two minutes ago and let me tell you... i love the way i look. i do not feel fat. i do not feel ugly. i feel great! yes i am sick. yes i am hurt. but for such a long time, finally i am happy... and i am going out tonight!! yes i am going out world!! maybe life will be just fine after all. listen to this song...its kinda good hahah! Till kingdom come by coldplay!!!
xoxoxoxox AHH i love my life.

College

Hey guys!
Well its been 2 months, sorry again! I am the worst at this ShinDig.
I think it's because I have so much to write that I dont know where to start.
Well I am in college and there are so many things to do that I dont even know where to start and I 'm not too sure if I even want to do it, the work of course. I want to do this as a living, I think... but something is missing. but as for now I am working my face off to get good grades and a good job.

weird feeling

Have you ever just spend all day in your room watching movies by yourself? love ones, funny ones, drama ones all by yourself, all day...and yet you only think of one person the whole day, the whole movies and you catch yourself crying about that one person and you never realized? Thats what happened to me today. listen to this song. Perfect for me-Ron Pope. Best song ever and i only think of one person. Im not sure why I cried ... I think maybe because I miss him more than anything...for some reason, him being away is making everything hard for me. Let me share with you some things that has happened to me recently.
1) I lost a good friend lately. I never thought I would lose her, but i did. She, all the sudden wont talk to me or even look at me. She denies it. i dont know why she is doing that to me ... i tried talking to her but it made it worst. So what am I going to do? Nothing.
2)I hyper-extended my knees. How? i have no idea. Maybe how i stand or stretch but man alive it sure hurts a lot.
3) I got an excision yesterday. I was high from the adrenaline they put in me and well today  I can barely stand...I keep blacking out because of the pain and how my body is working hard to heal it.

So basically, I lost a friend and she is hurting me a lot. My knees are killing me and my face is scarred.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Usually when things like that happened I would run to my twin (nope shes 6hrs away now) or I would call one of my best friends "Fruits" (nope hes even farther away) or I would call my other best friend, the one all these stupid blogs are about...but no he unreachable. So why am I feeling like this? because i am alone. I never thought I would feel like this but here it is.
I dont know why I feel this way about "him". I have tried to figure it out for a very long time but i cant figure it out. It's like this unexplainable happiness. I have this picture of him on my wall now its been 3 days and its funny because when I wake up in the morning i look at that picture before anything else and everything is fine. Theres something about him that makes me "simply happy". Maybe one day I will know why I feel like this, or maybe i never will. I dont really know what else to write in this blog but here it is for today. Peace and blessings yall. until next blog.

Yo Yo Yo

Hi there. I am so very sorry I haven't written lately. I havent been feeling myself ... you see my best friend left on his mission a year ago this month. Wow I have mixed feelings about this... I would say it went by super duper fast but then again it is kinda going slow to me. When he left I think he took a part of me. I havent been feeling the same at all and I hate myself for it. So now I am trying to get myself back... you might ask why I havent been feeling myself...did i love him? and so forth... well this is a complicated story... You see I dont know how I feel about this particular Best Friend. If I would have to choose right this second who I would want to spend my eternities with, well theres noone Id rather be with then this lovely man, but since there is still loads of time to decide i just dont know you guys. He has all the qualities i thought men didnt have anymore but turns out ive been falling for the wrong dudes. He is patient, he is loving, he is considerate, he is attractive, he is not a jerk, he doesnt get mad in fact he promised me he would never be mad at me... hold up WHO IN THE RIGHT MIND DOES THAT... I am a crazy woman and I know I will make my man mad at some points, its because I over analize and think... but no matter what ive done hes always been able to keep his cool and smile at me and still sing and play me songs. Hes always been there for me no matter what, even if he lived 40 minutes away he would be at the front of my house just in case I needed a hug or someone to talk to...even when we would be on the phone he would still be at the front...just in case. He would text me even if his phone screen was completely white and couldnt see a thing. He would call me at lunch and sing me more songs. We would play I Spy over the phone... kms away... he would talk to me at 2am when I was lost in lethbridge. He would let me drive his car... name me one guy that trusts a girl to drive his car. Words cant describe how I feel for him. I am simply happy. My soul is still. I love that man and he is growing so much in the Lords work, becoming a man of God. Now you are probably thinking ''wow shes in love'' but im actually not. I'm trying not to think about it since weve never had anything between us, we were always best friends, we understood eachother and if we didnt we werent scared to explain. Im sorry this post probably doesnt make any sense at all and i kind of feel like deleting it and starting again but I'm just not sure what to write at this moment. I guess when he comes home we'll see if anything is a possibility for the future but for now I will be concentrating on school and school and school and myself. I dont know what the future lies ahead for me but I will get my career and I will perfect myself so when I meet my eternal companion, whenever that is, as long as it takes, I will be ready for the next step. It can take a decade or two or three i dont really mind just as long as I'm ready. I know being alone sucks majorly and I hate it but Ive got eternity to spend it with my love so why rush to find him when there is so much to do?! So my friends I will make my bucket list bigger and I will actually check the boxes off and start my own adventure because it's out there and I am so ready for it. Goodnight my friends. And remember, those jerks that love to break our hearts, they dont win at end because we get someone so much better and they get the bad apples...

Music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2aPdJ4iEgw

its amazing what music can do to someone. What would we do without music?? some people, usually older people, think its only noise and wish we didnt have music...but do they really mean it? i dont think so lol because there are so many different kind of music and there is bound to have at least one that has ur mood exaclty or pretty much it...  I come to realise that i love music more and more every second of my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoWSf_QFfi8

when i listen to this song i think of my good friend Weston. i honestly dont think there is a better guy out there (sorry boys) he is so dedicated to whatever he does. He knows what true and what needs to be done and he doesnt wait around, he just goes and makes it happen. he is straight up and to the point. I love that man....hes turned into a man. one day he will have an amazing wife :) and she better be just as amazing, but i know she will be considering he will be picking her. Rock on Elder !! Keep up the good work... Vancouver has no idea how lucky they are. We love you here! until we meet again

so truuuuuuuuuuuuuue! when youre here...man which one do you want?? sometimes if youre "lucky" you get both ;) baha you dont wanna be "lucky". well on the good side of things you can have amazing "fan blowing" photoshoot if you are on the right side of the wind haha...if you dont get blown away first...and i mean the photographer...

stupid boys

Someone tell these boys of our times to smarten up. this is getting ridiculous im telling you!! What happened to Gentlemen? what happened to romance?? My bishop and I were talking today because i am honestly going to blow up! I am so sick of doing all the work to try to get a guy because hes to lazy. you might think "well then dont get him!" so im actually not but then its even worst when you just wait there literally for a miracle as in him asking you out. Thats another thing! Guys dont ask girls out anymore! and whats with kissing if your not dating?? ya thats playing! they all do that now! like do they not have the decency to ask to go out with you first? and then slowly pull the moves into kissing AFTER you guys are dating? no theyre complete idiots and i wanna punch one in particular, but since im a lady im gonna stay cool and wait for nothing. great ill never get married cuz the boys are searching. ok that might be exaggerating but STILL! this is driving me nuts, seriously.